This is what the website in question has to say about the Sharp-End Cat Pencil Sharpener.

It’s elegant, simple and shapely… this cat pencil sharpener will add a touch of class to any self-respecting desktop. Unless you take issue with a couple of features, that is.

First of all, there’s the fact that, in order to sharpen the pencil, you have to insert it in the kitten’s, hmm, behind. And second, when you, hmm, insert it, the cat lets out a heart-wrenching meow.

In other words, this cat pencil sharpener is living proof of just how thin the line separating subtle elgance from the crudest possible sense of humor really is.

Mmmm, no actually it’s just horrible. Oh and look, theres a video of the noise it makes.

This takes it from oh look, another cat butt joke into batshit crazy and really quite disturbing territory. Look, I get the cat butt jokes. It sometimes bugs me that I’ve spent a measurable portion of my life staring at my cats asshole. It really is very annoying and anyone who’s spent any time with a cat gets it. But this is just….weird and creepy. The cat sounds like it’s in pain. I mean, are you supposed to be anally violating it? I mean, something like this was always going to be a kind of a rape joke, it’s jus the nature of the beast with this kind of product. But did you need to add the sound effects that make it sound like the cat is in pain? Where does that get fun, or amusing? This is just…. not something that needs to exist in the world. Also A+ for combining rape jokes with animal abuse. Well done folks.

This is the latest offering from Dartz, the company that claims to have produced “World Most Expensive Armored Car! World Strongest Armored Car! World Most Luxury Armored Car! Armored Car which was driven and used by Russian Tzar Nikolai II. Armored Car which was a tribune for new commy Tzar Lenin at 1917. Armored Car which was last soviet car of Trozky. They Drive It! You – can! World Oldest Armored car brand which is reincarnated in UberLuxury status and returns to shoock this World again. This unique car unit limo luxury and tank strength, supercar power and spaceship electronic. Drive it! Drive Safe! Drive Fast! Drive Proud!” That, btw, is copied directly from the Dartz website. I didnt make that up. In fact I sort of feel like this whole post is a cheat since Im not sure I need to write much. The …car kind of speaks for itself.

This here is the list of luxury features, also lifted straight from the website:

LUXURY.LIST
1. Ruby Red mate color.
2. Natural Gold  plated bulletproof  windows. (Natural gold? As opposed to gold that has been processed and somehow affixed to the windows? Im confused)
3. 22′ Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels. (Why are the wheels bulletproof? Surely it would be more helpful to have bulletproof tires)
4. Tungsteen exchaust.
5. Tungsteen and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubins.
6. White gold diamond and rubins incrusted badges – grill, side and dashboard. ( I would point out that those will be pried off by some kid with a screwdriver in about 5 seconds but then it occurred to me that such a kid would almost certainly be shot by the goon guard with reflective sunglasses and one of those squiggly earpieces)
7. Special edition mobile phone with “alert” button. ( In case its the goon’s day off. Altho I would still like to know who the alert button alerts. Does Dartz run its own security service? If so then the overhead for producing this thing must be insane.)
8. Additional outside kevlar coating.
9. Rogue Acoustic Audio System.
10. Your wishes, all Your wishes!
And, of course, of course -
THREE BOTTLES OF World Most Expensive Vodka - RussoBaltique Vodka, drink edition, same like was in RussoBaltique car when it visited Monaco at 1912.
You can see this bottles on picture below – right side.
Don’t Drink and Drive! Enjoy this things sepearetley!
P.S. RussoBaltiqueVodka Family Relique Edition is also available.
For One Million Euro.
Start Your Family collection today.

Now the interesting thing is that this list, taken off the site today, does not include the most offensive item. Originally this car was marketed as having a whale penis leather interior. To quote a commenter on Jalopnick, its “leather, from the biggest dick in the world, for the biggest dick in the world”. Ow. Somehow that feels…. off balance in such a macho car. I mean, given that the most men refuse to even consider chopping the balls off their dogs Im not sure how they would react to be asked to sit on whale dick. Apparently we have Pam Anderson to thank for making Dartz rethink their position on whale cock. Highlight from the press release include:

ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET’S SAVE THE WHALES.
One month ago DARTZ presented uberluxury armored car with whale penis interior – PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBaltique). As the world’s resonance was very huge and DARTZ got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, DARTZ make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior.

“We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want – to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car.  All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBalt).

We just looking for most expensive products for this car – and that’s why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: “Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!”

Also we make a decision to pay more attention to glass and on our new car model we will use glass which will be made by special technology – from artificial grown chrystals, which will be gold sputerred to cut IR and UV rays, which make driving inconvinient when sun shine.

Best regards,
Leonard F. Yankelovich
DARTZ.EU

Now, I admit that I laughed my head off at this press release, which wasn’t really fair. ON THE OTHER HAND a company which claims to be all about luxury should perhaps consider hiring a translator rather than just running stuff thru Babelfish. Also there is one comment in this press release that absolutely flabbergasts me. And I quote “We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that“. WHAT???? So your just going to skin his dick and then let him go? And what exactly is going on with the whole “We want to tell our hello to all whales: “Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!” Now my personal theory there is that they read some Terry Prachett and got terribly confused- the Discworld rides on the backs of elephants guys. Get it right.

What the fuck is Phil Jackson sitting on? Thru the whole Finals I was trying to get a good look at the damn thing because I could not BEAR watching the Lakers setting up camp on the free throw line and watching Ray Allen blow three pointers was just too fucking painful. As far as I can tell this is a full-scale black leather office chair*. I guess it really cements the point guys… Phil Jackson is just on another level. Wanker. I also find this amusing/disturbing in my English major/overanalyze EVERYTHING way because this is an item of corporate furniture and given that everyone and their brother and their mother and their crippled aunt Sally has been screaming about the way the NBA is run these days I might have hoped that they’d have enough sense of self-preservation to avoid obvious intrusions of corporate paraphernalia into the actual game.  So yeah, phuck you Phil Jackson!!

*And yes, I know it’s really because he had hip surgery or whatever, I dont care, dont challenge my irrational blind hatred of Phil Jackson, ok?

For those who dont know, Lizzie Borden was one of the most famous (suspected) murderers in 19th century New England. She apparently had a rocky relationship with her folks (her father had remarried and was trying to divide his property in a way that was less than advantageous to Lizzie and her sister) and some say that she had been trying to kill them for quite some time. She reportedly attempted to purchase prussic acid some days before the murder, claiming that she needed it to clean a coat. At some time on the morning of August 4th, 1892 Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her father thirty whacks and since she felt she was not done she gave her mother thirty one. So yeah, chick was an axe murderer. She was never found guilty, partially because the Fall River police refused to waste their time on this new-fangled “fingerprinting” technology. But Lizzie’s guilt or innocence is irrelevant to this here blog post.

After the murder the house was sold off (Lizzie moved to a mansion named Maplecroft) and remained a private home until some time in the 90′s when it was opened up as a B&B! These days “the public is allowed not only to view the murder scene, but is given an opportunity to spend a night (if you dare) in the actual house where the murders took place.” You can actually sleep in the room where Lizzie murdered her step-mother. You too can imagine yourself being axe-murdered by the one and only Lizzie Borden! And thats not all, apparently “guests are treated to a breakfast similar to the one the Borden’s ate on the morning of the murders”.

And now for a moment of product placement… Lizzie Borden Hachet Earrings available at the gift shop. Some might reserve an item like axe-murder jewelry for especially festive occasions such as halloween. But if your ears crave to express their violent urges year-round, I say have at it. Fashion!

But it gets even better- Every summer they host a Lizzie Borden reenactment! (Picture removed by request) Robert wanted to know if they sacrifice a real family every year and if so we officially nominate the Palin brood, except Sarah herself who has a previous engagement plugging the oil leak in the Gulf with her body.

Edited because apparently some people take things waaaay too seriously. This isn’t a critique, its a roast.

This is the obvious continuation of the playhouse extravaganza from a few posts ago. Conspicuous consumerism HAS to continue inside. According to the site “whatever it is you need, we can help you create that perfect room for your posh tot.”

Its just so TACKY… My dad points out that this thing will be GREAT for smoking up when they get older. Altho I maintain that this type of kid is more likely to get into coke in a big way. But I guess they need some sort of gateway drug. It’ll all be so trippy….

This one is especially good. The parallel to revolutionary era France wasn’t quite clear enough so lets decorate your child’s built in custom luxury bed to look like the palace at Versaille!! Marie Antoinette would have loved this.

This is a particular favorite. I was showing these insane pics to my cousins (who are guys in their 20′s) and they both immediately said they wanted one. However we pointed out that it might perhaps create the wrong impression were you to bring a girl home….You can’t really say “let me raise the portcullis for you” suavely. And then 20 minutes later: ”MOM! You know not to disturb me when the drawbridge is up!!”

And don’t forget the dogs…. at 2400 euros this is a total steal. Excuse me while I gag.

Less than a week after the Jan 12 earthquake Royal Caribbean Cruise lines made the shocking decision to stick to their itinerary and dock at Labadee, a resort less than 60 miles from Port Au Prince. Places like Labadee are bad enough to begin with- the cruise company rents the whole peninsula from the Haitian government and the guests are secluded behind 12 foot walls and armed guards lest they be disturbed by the horrific poverty outside the gates of their little paradise. Poverty which is caused, in large part, by resorts like Labadee which effectively privatize natural resources that belong to the people of Haiti. How would Americans feel if the government leased Cape Cod to Germany so that German cruise ships could enjoy the area without being distressed by the poverty which would inevitably ensue from destroying the entire economic basis of the area?

That is nothing, however, compared to the disgusting, insensitive, offensive wrongness of docking a luxury cruise liner so close to the site of a natural disaster. The implication that a tragedy of this scale was not worth changing some holiday plans is just mind blowingly offensive. Said one cruise guest: “I just can’t see myself sunning on the beach, playing in the water, eating a barbecue, and enjoying a cocktail while [in Port-au-Prince] there are tens of thousands of dead people being piled up on the streets, with the survivors stunned and looking for food and water.” Well said, sir.

Totally cute, right? And yeah, I kinda want it. Hell Im a huge fan of shit-crazy play structures. My dad built a plywood pirate ship in our backyard and it was AWESOME. But this costs a whopping £25,500. Which in American is $39,000. Now shit like this is cute if your dad builds it in the backyard. Not if daddy drops the equivalent of a year’s tuition at an Ivy League university. Daddies of the world,your little girl does NOT need this to know that she’s your princess. If you’re even thinking about this then trust me, SHE KNOWS. And yes, indoctrinating children into the culture of conspicuous consumerism is EXACTLY what we need. Also shits going to get awkward when the staff realize that little Portia has a nicer house than any of them. OH, ALSO these are exactly the kinds of kids who grow up to be Bridezillas. But you know what, its not all bad. When dad’s portfolio crashes because he over-invested in subprime mortgages or whatever then the whole family can move into the play house.

But good god we have forgotten something! Little Portia is going to need a status symbol to park in the driveway of her status symbol. Well thank god the enablers at Hamleys can help. What Portia REALLY needs is a £1500 model Lamborghini. (Too bad it wasn’t a Porshe for Portia) (and no, its not anachronistic. Poor taste is a constant throughout history.) And you know what? Lets cover it in Swarovski crystals. Cause a model Lambo doesnt send the message clearly enough. WE ARE WEALTHY PEOPLE, GOT IT?

And I find the disposal aspect to be problematic as well. According to Skymall “After picking up any solid wastes, just turn on the water and watch the two water jets pop up and spray the grass clean with over 3 gallons of fresh water. The water soaks the entire grass area with water, getting every square inch. The drain then goes to work and empties the water and wastes down the 14 foot drain hose to a nearby rain gutter or patio drain.” So, this is being marketed to urban pet owners, right? (we can tell because of the terribly badly photoshopped picture). So essentially you are proposing that all the accumulated dog piss go down the rain gutter. Or, and you totally know this is how people would actually use this thing, all that watery pee is just going to come spouting out of a hose dangling from a fire escape/balcony. Thats really going to improve the urban life experience. Its the modern version of medieval people throwing the contents of their chamber pots out into the street. Also where is this water coming from? When did YOU last see a garden hose on a Brooklyn fire escape/porch?

On a related note there is the Potty Rock. Cause EVERYONE needs to know exactly where your dog likes to pee.

Purchasing any of these items will, I guarantee, get you a direct flight to hell. Its so blasphemous that its almost awesome. But also kind of ewwww. I mean, this object brings together two aspects of life that are best kept separate.* Like Lorena Bobbit nutcrackers. Can you guess what it is?

*(unless you’re a Catholic priest…)

Jesus fucking Christ. Its the Jackhammer Jesus. Sing along with me, its your own, personal, Jesus, someone to hear your prayers, someone who’s there…take second best, put me to the test, things on your chest you need to confess, I will deliver, you know Im a forgiver….Hmm. This is not what Duran Duran had in mind. But it WILL make you a believer. Now a crucifix shaped dildo alone would get you in the carpool lane on the road to hell, but the fact that it actually has Jesus on it is the last nail in your coffin. Or his crucifix. I mean, JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS GUYS, and Onanism is one of them. God, its like your rubbing your sinfulness in his face. Or on his feet, in this case. I bet Mary Magdalene had one of these. So THATS what they meant about washing the feet of the Lord. Who knew that our savior had a foot fetish. Apparently it also glows in the dark.  I wonder if there is a halo-themed cock ring? Or rosary anal beads….

But wait! Theres more!

We are equal opportunity offenders here so dont forget that Jesus is not the only deity to offend. If you go more for Buddism then you can pleasure yourself with the Personal Buddah, to “help you reach your own personal nirvana”.

But wait! Theres EVEN MORE!!!

And in case you havent blasphemed enough today I bring you the Baby Jesus Butt Plug! (For safety sake, please remember to “swaddle him in a condom”)